Ladies First - Giving Her The Night of Her Life
Johnathan Bane is a sexual educator from Northwestern Pennsylvania. He is currently working on the 3rd edition of his sex manual, "Ladies First - Giving Her The Night of Her Life". The book itself deals with sexual technique, safety, foreplay and polyamory and models of non-monogamy. Johnathan is an author for The Good Men Project and he deals with polyamory and current events. We have conducted an interview with him.
Which issues do you help men to address?
Well, the reality is that most men I know don't actually take the time to find out what their partner wants. They just perform the same combination of moves they've done since puberty. The biggest issue is learning to be more receptive to what your partner wants and what her base requirements are for a sexual encounter. Underlying this is the need for more specific communication between the two.
Which topics (or knowledge) are the most sought after in this modern age from your perspective as a 'Sexual Educator' and 'sex manual author'?
Yeah, this would definitely have to be how to give someone a full body squirting orgasm. One of my friends called it "trying to start a car with a nail file" it can be done, but it takes some work. There's a procedure in my book about how to help this come about, but ultimately it takes comfort, trust and the realization that during sex, a lot of women are inside their own head. I don't particularly know why this is looked at as the "holy grail" of sexual theater, but it is.
What are the top 3 most challenging misconceptions/myths that you have ever clarified?
The first one I get all the time, that I have to keep refuting, at least, is that polyamory is essentially just sleeping with whomever you want. Nothing could be further from the truth. Poly people are just as picky as anyone else, probably more because we have to integrate that person into our lives. It's like being a hippie, without all the patchouli. And we tend to shower a lot, so there's that.
The second one is that sex and love are concepts that ALWAYS go together. Granted they have a nice symbiosis, but they're not always mutually inclusive. I'm sure most people have had the encounter with someone they would cross the street to avoid, even some they've downright loathed. I know I sure as hell have. Regardless, you can have one without the other.
The third is that ignoring the sexual part of your nature is seen as noble. This drives me up the f**king wall. Sex is something very luminous and very central to the human experience and to ignore this is to miss out on a very key part of what it means to be a human being. The act of sharing space in this way, even in the raunchiest of times is not just a physical act, but also a spiritual one. I think religion and the media have screwed this up for a lot of people, so when I see people adhering to these archaic ideas, I just want to blow up.
How different is the third edition of your sex manual as compared with the previous editions?
It's an entire reorganization, along with new material, photos, illustrations, and stories. It's been rewritten from the ground up to be better and more exhaustive on a more basic level. After the release of the first edition I started getting the emails about things I should have expanded on, and while a lot of them were things I'd rather not touch on, there were a lot that were legitimate improvements on the original, and I'd be stupid not to at least address them.
How do you rate sexual technique, safety, and foreplay?
Safety is absolutely first. I can't understand why anyone would gamble with their sexual health. Condoms, birth control, dams, these things exist for a reason. If you don't use them when sexual history is even the slightest suspect, you're not only risking yourself but others as well. Don't be an idiot. It's literally the first thing I address at any clinic or talk I host.
Foreplay is secondary but necessary. That's one of the biggest, if not THE biggest complaint that any woman has had during one of my clinics. Their boyfriends/husbands/whatevers just don't take enough time to get them excited. But, then again, if your goal is to savor the moment and be in that moment with her, then foreplay shouldn't be a problem. This is addressed in the book as well, along with a few techniques that take this to the next level.
Sexual technique is tertiary, only because even the most unskilled lover can get the job done if the connection is there. But, the technique is what separates a nice encounter from a 'holy-crap-peel-me-off-the-cieling' encounter. Whomever I sleep with deserves this kind of sex, at least that's what I believe. I think the world could do with a lot more in the way of sensuality, we might not be such bitchy and combative people.
How important are these for a polyamory relationship?
Well, safety is priority one in ANY relationship, not just poly. Foreplay and technique are important as well, but not as much as free and open communication between everyone involved. Underlying everything, I want the people around me to be happy, you can only find out what makes them happy if your lines of communication are completely open for not just tips and information, but criticism. Provided you have this, and have even a healthy dose of technique, the sex takes care of itself.
That and, I'm someone who believes that everything in this world can be solved with coffee and conversation.